Funny is your friend. Humor laughs with us. Satire is an anatomically correct robot.
The Secret About Sex and Beards!
Yes, there's sex discussed!
We all look at bearded men as the epitome of manliness and masculinity. The studly stubble on a man’s face is the quintessential picture of carnality.
You’re thinking these bearded men must have sex at least three times before their first coffee in the morning. And they always come home for lunch from their manly jobs in construction or maybe they were out riding their Harley Hogs with the handlebars the same shape as their mustaches. Why do they come home for lunch? More sex!
What’s it like to live with a bearded man you ask? His own wife encourages him to become a Mormon so she can take a break.
Shopping for a new place to live? Avoid living next to anyone sporting a beard. Yes, Van Dykes count here. You’ll notice neighbors putting earmuffs on their kids to muffle the continuous bed squeaking.
Well, I have shocking news for all of you pogonophiles. The reality is…all the above are fantasies!
Fake news made up by sexually frustrated men hiding behind their goatees and soul patches to appear more virile to the world.
If you did believe it, then you probably think the Bearded Ladies rock band are real women — with beards.
Here’s the truth that has, up to now, only been a rumor. Talked about in hushed whispers at barbershops in every city, town, and village on the planet.
The more facial hair a guy has the longer he has gone without having sex!
Now let that sink in while considering the following. If you look at pictures of all the 19th-century men with their fuzzy faces and matching mutton chops, you’ll realize that this was during Queen Victoria’s 60-year reign. She was not amused by the propensity to lewdness amongst her subjects. The “Victorian” era, as it was called, was the beginning of the dry spell in sexual activity with men — and women, and the first appearances of hideously long beards on men’s faces began in earnest during this time.
Obscenely bearded men like scientist Charles Darwin, authors Alfred Lord Tennyson and Charles Dickens, and who can forget the inspirational General Ambrose Burnside with his continuous sideburn that went from one ear, through his nose, and up to the other ear.
All these men wrote in their diaries that they could only imagine what a woman looked like naked since, and I quote Cole Porter’s Anything Goes song here, “In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking…”
Fun fact, Darwin’s lack of girlfriends had nothing to do with his purportedly stinky feet.
Further research finds that it was no coincidence that women, and this is what was considered true back then, were “hysterical” because of infrequent romance and were only relieved after the invention of the electric vibrator in the 1880s.
Were there scientific methods that included empirical and case-control experiments to prove this hypothesis? Or was it just good, old-fashioned, polling at the local biker bar?
None of the above
I have concluded that modern men with beards have not had sex since they were clean-shaven after experimenting on myself.
I told my wife that she’ll know how long we have gone without being intimate by my facial hair growth.
She took one look at me with my face fuzz and cooed, “Time to shave big guy.”