Funny is your friend. Humor laughs with us. Satire is an anatomically correct robot.
Better Not Bitter
Build a better YOU through science (and investments)!
Feeling depressed about your crummy life? Can’t stand your job, in-laws, your wife or husband, and every one of your rotten no-good kids? Or are you still single because your dating app profile lists the doldrums as your favorite musical instrument?
We at Better Bitter Enterprises (our motto is Be Better, not Bitter for those who haven’t yet received the brochure in the mail) know how you feel!
How do we know? We have specialty AI bots scour your social media posts and interview your employer, family, and your neighbors. Even your credit report is reviewed. We use this information to find the perfect sad sack that will jump at the chance to let us improve their lives. For a small fee, of course. Please see the brochure for prices.
Many of you ask us, “Better Bitter, how can you improve my horrible life? How can you make me — an unhappy, sorry, heartbroken, despondent, melancholy, gloomy, heartsick morbid person, into a cheerful, hopeful, and joyful human being?”
First, let me say, okay, we get it. Please put away the Thesaurus.
We at Better Bitter have a simple method of improving lives by using the Perspective Method (trademark pending).
How does PM work?
Your outlook on life, your emotions, and your attitudes toward others, are all related to how you perceive your place in this great big world we live in.
Sure, we can use religion to make you feel more chipper, but it can also add guilt to your life. Not the direction we’d like to go.
Our PM works this way. Say you feel like your job is crap and your boss is constantly berating you. Using PM, we will arrange for you to be transferred to a trash recycling plant in Newark, New Jersey. There, you are tasked with removing all the greasy pizza boxes people are not supposed to recycle from the rotting overflowing piles of garbage at the facility.
You’ll be begging to return to your job after the first hour. With a big smile for the boss too!
Another example, let’s say your life is boring and without meaning. Like a high school math teacher.
Better Bitter’s counselors will not simply slap you silly and tell you to snap out of it.
No, no, no, we use the PM here too. You would be unexpectedly kidnapped from your home on some random night. Then either blindfolded or mouth duct taped depending on what package you signed up for. We would drive you to a hot and stuffy retirement home in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and zip-tied to a rocking chair in front of the only TV in the community room. You will spend the weekend watching continuous reruns of Sesame Street until Elmo’s Song is permanently embedded in your head.
Your regular life isn’t that boring now, is it?
Better Bitter offers a premier package for those people who think they should just die and get it over with — and happen to have good credit. For these vulnerable individuals, we set up a carefully curated plan we nicknamed Operation Dickens.
First, for obvious reasons, you must pay your invoice before the service starts. Then, with help from unlicensed medical trainees, we whisk you away to an abandoned motel outside of Pigeon Forge, TN.
At the motel, you will be visited by three ghosts. The first ghost will be from the past. This is usually your mother, if available, with a white sheet over her body. An old middle school shop class teacher is sometimes utilized if mom is not around.
This first feel-good spirit will tell you how wonderful and well-behaved you were as a child, and how you brought joy to your family growing up. Or, what a great birdhouse you made for being such an awkward and clumsy kid.
The second ghost will show how miserable you are. You play yourself here. We reuse your mom’s sheet.
The third apparition talks about money opportunities and how you should be preparing for a future YOU with an investment in Better Bitter Enterprises. Complementary tickets to nearby Dollywood theme park with every $10,000 stock purchase.
Disclaimer: Better Bitter Enterprises is not a licensed psychological treatment center. The company is not registered with the FRB, FDIC or the SEC. We are, however, on file at the FBI’s office in Washington, D.C. What you read on the Better Business Bureau’s website has been addressed and we no longer use handcuffs or Chloroform during kidnappings.