Funny is your friend. Humor laughs with us. Satire is an anatomically correct robot.
Be a Doctor Without Medical School!
What could go wrong?
I was surprised to get an email from Zippi, “your career sidekick,” recently.
The enticing subject line was: Best Radiologist Jobs. Anesthesiologists Needed.
They strongly recommended some high-salary doctor jobs for me, either as a radiologist or an anesthesiologist, and it would be a perfect fit.
Not anywhere did the advert mention a degree requirement.
Since I couldn’t pronounce anesthesiology without stumbling over the word,
I decided on the radiologist gig.
How hard could it be?
I did some prep work before I applied at the Shlub Medical Center in Ding Dong, Texas. Yes, that’s the name of the town!
And I was ready if anyone asked one of those pesky gotcha questions like “Why isn’t your medical school listed in the application?”
They never asked, maybe because I went to the interview wearing the scrubs I bought at the Halloween store, or it could have been the crisp twenty-dollar bill I slipped to the HR lady.
I brushed up on terminology too. Besides looking the part, one must also talk the talk.
A fluoroscope is just what it sounds like — A device that spots flora in your lungs. My guess is people sometimes get too close while smelling flowers and swoosh! You got a daisy up your nose.
Ultrasound uses that wand you wave over a woman’s belly. Hopefully, the woman is pregnant or just looks like it because she just ate a whole pumpkin pie before her appointment. When the fuzzy picture appears on the screen, I can let her know if it’s a baby girl or a boy or she’s going to be a proud parent of a gourd.
With X-rays, no worries here. This procedure is traditionally conducted by trained seals that work for fish and chips. They normally don’t eat the chips, but it’s cheaper just to order the combo from the local take-out.
A good day is when nobody dies.
As a “doctor,” all I have to do is consult with a real doctor. “Dad gum doc, that’s what I reckoned.” That’s how they talk in Texas.
CAT and PET scans? Ha! Can’t fool me! Only horses and cattle are allowed in the waiting room! Not cats and dogs.
The job pays $111,000 — $174,000 yearly and has full benefits, which include a cowboy hat, a sidearm, and a mule named Betsy.
As long as I’m wearing a stethoscope around my neck I might be here a spell.
Wait, another email came in from Zippi! They need proctologists in Butte, Montana. Time to buy some latex gloves.